TraceProductions

*Disclaimer*
These quips are meant to be funny! While we are leaving the real nasty stuff out, this page is intended to equally offend anyone and everyone in the business! Please email any funnies or interesting quotes regarding film or video production and we will list it if we like it!

If you feel you have been offended to a greater degree than anyone else,
Click Here and Seek Professional Help.

Thank You. Enjoy!
TR

Some classic broadcast moments…

• "Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier."
  -- From a Traffic report.
• "Rest assured, there'll never be a shortage of Bozos on television"
  --Dan Rather, lamenting the end of WGN-TV's "Bozo", on the CBS Evening News, 6/13/01
• "Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time."
  -- From a local news report on the after effects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.
• "The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down."
  -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
• "Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving."
  -- From a local news cast.
• "Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine."
  -- From a nightly local news ad.
• "Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30."
  -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.

 

Comments made by sports commentators that we're sure they would like to take back...

• "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
  Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic weightlifting Event:
• "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
  Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
• "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front and similar to the one in back."
  Grand Prix Race Announcer:
• "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
  Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
  
• "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
  Ringside Boxing Analyst:
  
• "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
  Baseball announcer:
  
• "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces."
  Basketball analyst:
  
• "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
  At a trophy ceremony for a BBC TV Boat Race, 1988:
  
• "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
  Metro Radio, College Football:
  
• "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
  U.S. Open - female Television Commentator:

 

Quips and Quotes…

• "I'm in show business. I look at my boobs like they're show horses or show dogs. You have to keep them groomed."
  - Dolly Parton
• "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
  - last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
• "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
  - June Cleaver
• "More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
  - Woody Allen
• "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
  - General William Westmoreland
• "The TV Business... is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. And there's also a negative side".
  - Hunter S. Thompson
• "The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper pictures of the garbage."
  -From George Carlin's book "Napalm & Silly Putty"

 

Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films...

• I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
• Gun wounds again?
• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
• A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
• Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
• Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
• This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
• Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
• I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
  
  

Six Stages of TV Production...

1. Wild Enthusiasm
2. Total Confusion
3. Utter Despair
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Persecution of the Innocent
6. Promotion & Reward of the Incompetent.
   

 

A man walks into an exotic meat shop in Hollywood.
He walks over to the display case and points to an item and asks the butcher -
"How much for those Director of Photography brains"?

The butcher replies " those are 25 cents a pound"

"Well how much are the Sound Mixer brains"?

"Those are 25 cents a pound too"

"And how much for the Producer brains"?

"Those are $25 an ounce"

"Why are they so much more expensive than the others"?

"Do you know how many producers I have to round up to get an ounce of that stuff"?

 

A news producer and crew are lost in the desert of Iraq, hungry and desperate. Suddenly the cameraman stumbles upon a lamp — you know this part. The Genie pops out and grants three wishes, one each for the producer, cameraman and sound tech. Cameraman goes first and says. "Well, I would like to be on a tropical island with all the food and drink I want and beautiful island girls to satisfy my every desire." …And Poof! The cameraman is gone. The sound tech says "Hey, that sounded great! I want to be with him." And Poof!…the sound tech was gone. The producer, now quite annoyed at the whole scene, stomps his foot and screams…
"I WANT MY CREW BACK !!"

 

• Old photographers never die
  ....Their f-stops.
• Why do audio guys only count to 2 during soundcheck?
  ... Because 3 usually requires lifting something
• What do you call a freelancer who's broken up with his girlfriend?
  ... Homeless
• What's the difference between a director and God?
  ... God never thinks he's a director.
• Do you know how many producers it takes to screw in a light bulb?
  ... I don't know, but I'll make a few calls to find out!
  
• Do you know how many correspondents it takes to screw in a light bulb?
  ...What's a light bulb?
  
• Do you know how many sound techs it takes to screw in a light bulb?
  ...WHAT?
  
• Do you know how many camera operators it takes to screw in a light bulb?
  ...To hell with it, we'll shoot in available light!
• "If you're gonna work at the pound, you gotta be willing to gas a few puppies!"
  - Anonymous Video Editor

(TRUE STORY)

A film shoot almost came to a halt when the DP went to move a light (definite no-no!) and a clueless grip had not attached the safety chain. The collision of barn doors and the DP's face opened about a 4 inch gash. When the equally clueless account exec heard the news that barn doors had fallen on the DP, he was outraged. "What the HELL were they doing shooting in a BARN?!?!"

Top 20 Signs you've been in this business too long...

20. Your dining room is set up for 3-point lighting.
19. Your date says to pick her up in 45 minutes and you wonder if she meant drop-frame or non-drop-frame
18. You replaced your trusty hemostat with a lavaliere clip.
17. Your home movies are preceded by :45 bars and tone.
16. You run into a guy who says he's gonna shoot the Governor and you remind him to get some good B-roll.
15. The photography on the 6:00 news makes you laugh.
14. Your bathroom fluorescents are gelled with CTO.
13. Your kids' names: Lowel, Mic, Bogen and little Chimera.
12. Your car CD mix cost you a fortune in needle-drop fees.
11. You've prayed for the death of Bob Saget many times (ok, so maybe it's not just video people...)
10. You dream everything in chroma green.
9. You asked the car salesman how much it would cost to get an aftermarket Taylor mount.
8. You think the sonogram could use some rotoscope work.
7. Your friends refuse to watch television with you anymore.
6. Terms like "best boy". "key grip", and "second unit" no longer make you chuckle.
5. Someone is describing a great new self-help book to you and you say "just tell me the poster".
4. Twenty bucks for a roll of tape doesn't sound that unreasonable anymore.
3. You see the latest Salma Hayek flick for the production values.
2. After a "premature" performance failure with your wife, you tell her you'll fix it in post.
1. You thought, "Yeah, so?" after reading any of these.

Thank you to all who have contributed quips - n - quotes so far. Special thanks to everyone who responded in the discussion group rec.video.production. Your response has been phenomenal.
Keep 'em coming! -TR